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WHO DOESN’T LIKE A GOOD OLD FASHIONED PRISON BREAK?

Two men in an upstate New York prison escaped over the weekend in such a manner that it almost makes you say, “Ah, let those murderous goofs go.”

David Sweat and Richard Matt — aka D-Sweaty and Richard “I kill because I have two first names” Matt — escaped the Clinton Correctional Facility in  Dannemora, New York on the morning of June 6. Sweat, who was convicted for killing a sheriff ’s deputy (figure that one out, Eric Clapton), and Matt, who kidnapped, killed and dismembered a man, used a clever array of resources to escape the facility.

The men were being held in adjacent cells. They each cut a hole in the walls behind their beds. They then climbed onto a six-story-high catwalk and headed toward the prison’s boundaries. They were able to then chisel through a brick wall, and using power tools they had amassed presumably from the jail’s shop, they cut holes into a steel pipe used to release steam. Sweat and Matt crawled into the pipes and eventually found an exit through a manhole cover outside the jail.

The men were missing for nearly 12 hours before jail officials realized the lumps under the covers on their beds were not Sweat and Matt, but in fact were items from around the jail cell they had piled to act as a body decoy.

Let me say that again. 

The men were missing for nearly 12 hours before jail officials realized the lumps under the covers on their beds were not Sweat and Matt, but in fact were items from around the jail cell they had piled to act as a body decoy.

These no-good criminals certainly put in the effort, but come on Clinton Correctional Facility — that’s how every teenager on television in the ’90s was able to sneak out and meet up with the gang.

HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS 

Researchers at University College London discovered red blood cells and collagen had been preserved in dinosaur fossils they had previously dismissed as “rubbish.”

This led amateur paleontologists worldwide to speculate wildly on the possibility of extracting DNA from the cells in order to incubate dinosaurs. According to the 1993 documentary Jurassic Park, when fresh cells from dinosaur blood are preserved in something like amethyst or bone marrow, it is possible to extract the life from these prehistoric cells, and “Bingo,” the documentary claims, “Dino DNA.”

The red blood cells discovered in the fossils in London were cultivated from the claw of the meat-eating dinosaur Gorgosaurus, which means “dreadful lizard,” and is a species similar to the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Now look, we would be absolutely silly to suggest that this discovery will lead to the cloning of a dinosaur. In fact, “scientists,” claim that it’s just about impossible that any DNA is preserved in the cells and that more “data” from that dinosaur would need to be “cultivated” to complete a “genome sequence.”

But, what they did find is the blood cells are remarkably similar to those of emus (Dr. Alan Grant in the aforementioned documentary diagrams the similarities between modern birds of pray and the raptors of the Jurassic Period). So, maybe we inject some dino blood into an emu and see what happens. What could go wrong?