IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

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Boulder Weekly Staff | Boulder Weekly

NOW THAT’S A GREAT IDEA 

So what’s the difference between Boulder and Kissimmee, Fla.? Obviously, Boulder is less family fun oriented — as in, we have never bothered to create a theme park here at the foot of the Flatirons.

Not so in Kissimmee, where this month marked the opening of… wait for it… Machine Gun America.

Oh yeah, it’s real. 

And why not? Just imagine that you’ve spent three hot days dragging your kids through the endless lines at Disney World, being force-fed the theme song to “It’s a Small World” over and over and over again. Now, thanks to this latest theme park, you can make the world right again simply by making a short drive over to Kissimmee and proceeding to blow the living crap out of everything in sight with a machine gun.

Machine Gun World touts itself as the nation’s “Automatic Adrenaline Attraction” where folks can hit the gun range with Uzis, AKs or even a Thompson submachine gun in case you’re feeling a little Caponey that day.

Think about it. What could possibly feel better than unleashing an Uzi on a target with Goofy’s likeness after spending a couple of grand inside Walt Disney’s head?

WORST EXCUSE EVER 

So by now we’ve all heard that a government intelligence agency employee crashed a 2-by-2-foot drone capable of carrying a small payload (think camera or C4) onto the White House lawn. At first the Secret Service was all freaked out over this incredible security breach. But eventually, the next day, a guy came forward claiming to be the drone’s pilot and said the four-prop gadget belonged to an acquaintance, and that he had been out flying it around because that’s his hobby. He later said he was drunk when he accidentally crashed it inside the White House compound. The Secret Service response? OK, we see no reason to doubt your story. Them government fellows sure stick together.

Hello in there, Secret Service — the same Secret Service that occasionally lets people jump the White House fence and look through the first family’s underwear drawers — there are a couple of reasons for a little skepticism here.

The guy was flying this big-ass drone over the White House at 3 in the morning on a Monday night, and his day job is mapping stuff like drone targets.

His excuse? It’s a hobby, and I was drunk. 

This must be the same guy who came up with “the dog ate my homework.” 

Now if only the Secret Service had the discernment of a third-grade teacher.

OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT 

Young people wear “hoodies” and occasionally some idiot shoots them because they think they look like criminals because they are wearing hoods. Oklahoma’s answer to this problem? Make wearing a hoodie illegal. At least that’s what has been reported about Oklahoma Republican State Sen. Don Barrington’s recently proposed law.

But after becoming a national laughing stock, Barrington is changing his tune and now claims that he never intended to ban hoodies, but his lame explanation is offering sane folks a chance for a second chuckle.

Barrington released a statement declaring that “the bill is not designed to ban hoodies, but to prevent the wearing of masks or disguises in the commission of a crime.”

According to a CNN report, the senator goes on to point out that the word “hoodie” never even appears in his bill… except for sort of in the first part where it’s talking about making it illegal to wear hoods.

And the kicker: Oklahoma already has a law on the books making it a crime to wear masks or disguises in the commission of a crime. So that was obviously never the intent of Senator Bubblebrains’ bill.

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