Scott Walker’s incredible foreign policy


It’s time now for the latest chapter in the thrilling global adventures of: “Scott Walker, Commando!” 

Walker, the right-wing Wisconsin governor who’s backed by the mighty money muscle of the Koch brothers, is known chiefly for advancing the corporate agenda by ferociously busting unions, slashing education, assailing teachers and attacking welfare recipients. But now, having been served so well by Walker in the statehouse, Team Koch wants him in the White House, where he would try to do to our nation what he’s done to Wisconsin. But, uh-oh, they’ve hit a speed bump in their plans.

It turns out that presidents are expected to deal with foreign policy, and, as New York Times columnist Tim Egan recently noted, Walker’s international experience amounts to having eaten at the International House of Pancakes. Thus, image makers have been parachuted in to create “Commando Walker,” a hardline, battle-ready commander-in-chief. Unfortunately, Scottie has the look and demeanor of a Wimpo, rather than a Rambo, so the handlers have tried to compensate by writing an über-militant foreign policy for him. Thus, just for starters, Walker is calling for (1) American boots (and blood) on the ground in Iraq to battle ISIS; (2) military action to make Iran give up all of its nuclear programs; and (3) arming Ukraine to fight Russia. Plus, he’s even saber-rattling at the Chinese.

Well, not saber-rattling, more like fork and spoon rattling. Walker is demanding that President Obama cancel the upcoming White House State Dinner for China’s President Xi Jinping. Wow, that’ll shake them up; cancel their dinner, Commando Scott, and you’ll have the Chinese eating right out of your hand!

How pathetic! Walker’s no commando, no commander-in-chief, either. He’s just a lightweight twig pretending to be presidential timber.

This opinion column does not necessarily reflect the views of Boulder Weekly.