Dear Dr. Jenni,
I’m worried that if I buy my wife a vibrator, she’ll begin preferring it to the real thing.
—Vibrator Jealousy
Dear VJ,
I applaud you for contemplating buying your wife a vibrator. Her pleasure is clearly important to you. Hopefully she fully enjoys the gift you give her, but I hear your fear that she may like it more than you. Many men struggle with the fear of man vs. machine. However, you are more than your penis. This may seem counter-intuitive in our society, as men are often taught to use their penis to perform the perfect sexual act. They think they must be captains of the sex ship!
What men are often not taught is that sex goes far beyond genital manipulation. While your penis can be an instrument of pleasure, you have numerous pleasure instruments to call upon as well — like fingers, tongues and toys, as well as heart, soul and mind.
She may end up enjoying the vibrator, but I presume you also take pleasure in masturbation. Even if you both masturbate on a healthy and regular basis, my guess is that you don’t prefer it to sex with your wife.
So as you take that next brave step in your upcoming purchase, consider the vibrator your ally. Even if it’s bigger and can last longer, together you can potentially bring your wife endless pleasure.
Remember that a battery-operated toy can never replace the human connection and intimacy you have developed with your wife.
Dear Dr. Jenni,
I am a 59-year-old woman, post-menopause. I’ve been with my husband for more than 30 years and we love each other dearly. However, sex has become enormously painful. My gynecologist gave me an estrogen ring, but I don’t feel a change and it’s quite expensive. I’m against taking more hormones, but I don’t know how to make sex more comfortable.
—Rough Riding
Dear Rough Riding,
Well done on making your marriage so loving for more than 30 years. You are certainly doing something very right! Since this is the case, I’m going to presume that the painful sex is not about relationship distress, but more about natural changes the vagina experiences during menopause.
Because menopause causes the vaginal walls to become thin and dry, the goal is to help increase strength and moisture. Hormone replacement therapies can assist in the moisture department, but it sounds like you are looking for a more natural route. Your gynecologist probably suggested
the estrogen ring because it releases about one-tenth the dose of that in oral or skin-patch estrogen-replacement methods.
However, there are a few other natural tactics to help support your vaginal health and sexual comfort.
Do kegels. The vagina is a muscle that can atrophy without use. This doesn’t mean you need to have intercourse once a day, but I do highly suggest keeping up with your kegels to strengthen the pelvic floor. If you’ve never done a kegel, you can strengthen this muscle in a short three months with daily practice.
Use a lubricant. You may have never needed lubrication for sex in the past, but vaginal dryness that accompanies menopause certainly requires lubrication. For that matter, I tell all women, regardless of age, to have lubrication by the bedside. Arousal does not always correlate with being naturally lubricated. As such, having a good lubricant on hand is essential for sexual comfort. Replens, for example, is a long-lasting lubricant designed specifically for women in menopause.
Eat your oil. Swallowing a tablespoon of oil, olive, sunflower, soy, or coconut oil, can add moisture to your entire body, vagina included.
Use vitamin E capsules for your vagina.
This natural form of lubrication is inexpensive and easy. Pop the capsule in your vagina and let your body absorb and use it.
Most of all, drink lots of water. Keeping a hydrated vagina means keeping a hydrated body!
Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
Questions Send questions for Jenni Skyler to drjenni@theintimacyinstitute.org
