Santorum’s dirty ego
Sen. Rick Santorum has an inflated sense of his own importance. He seems to think that because he’s white, male, Christian and a U.S. senator, he ought to have some control over the frontier known as the Internet.
Santorum’s problems with the Internet started with his own mouth during an Associated Press interview, when he said that anything other than married, heterosexual, procreative sex was deviant and that he supports outdated laws that banned anal sex, adultery and so on.
“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery,” he told AP.
In response, Dan Savage, at the suggestion of a reader, decided the best way to deal with Santorum was to redefine his name as something associated with gay sex — a brilliant, hilarious idea.
For the definition of “santorum,” Savage’s readers chose this: “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”
That definition can be found all over the Internet. If you search Google for “santorum,” you’ll find this definition ranked above Santorum’s own website.
Santorum wants that changed, and he can’t figure out why he can’t make Google cooperate. Though Google execs have explained that they can’t control the content of private websites, Santorum wants them to wipe santorum away.
“I suspect if something was up there like that about Joe Biden, they’d get rid of it,” Santorum whined. “If you’re a responsible business, you don’t let things like that happen in your business that have an impact on the country.”
And here’s where Santorum’s ego is exposed. How can Google’s search results for “santorum” possibly have an impact on the country? People who click on spreadingsantorum.com, the top search result, will either be offended or laugh their butts off. But our monuments won’t crumble. The stars and stripes won’t fall off the flag. And life will continue at the same petty pace as before.
Hey, Santorum, you’re not as important as you’d like to believe. You’re free to say what you want about other people’s sex lives, but we are equally free to say what we want about you. It’s called the First Amendment. Google it.
Nailin’ Palin
Far be it for us to defend the likes of Sarah Palin, but what Mike Tyson said regarding an allegation in a new book that she had sex with NBA player Glen Rice was just plain wrong, on so many levels.
As if we didn’t already know that Tyson is a few sandwiches short of a picnic, he mixed his racial and sexual slurs by suggesting during an interview with a Las Vegas radio station that another black NBA star, like Dennis Rodman, could really be “pushing her guts up in the back of her head. … You want someone like Rodman — yeah baby! Let’s get that donkey in here now. Just imagine Palin with a big old black stallion ripping. Yeehaw!” He also said that in Rice, Palin met the “wombshifter.” Tyson went on to suggest that “white girls” simply have to “get that out of their system.”
What a disgusting, crass, ignorant ear-biter. Maybe he needs to go back to prison and get something out of his system.
Nice cream
Some people are just too up tight. The conservative group One Million Moms has taken offense at the name of Ben & Jerry’s new ice cream, Schweddy Balls. For those of you who have been living under a rock, that’s a reference to a hilarious Saturday Night Live skit featuring Alec Baldwin playing bakery owner Pete Schweddy and saying, “No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.”
Well, these right-wing moms got their panties in a twist over that one and called for people to send letters to Ben & Jerry’s saying they will boycott the company’s products if they don’t discontinue the name.
Apparently the One Million Moms group didn’t like one of last year’s special flavors either. It was Ben & Jerry’s hat tip to gay marriage, a special edition of “Chubby Hubby” called “Hubby Hubby.”
Too bad so many moms are going to miss out on the Schweddy Balls. With fudge-covered rum and milk chocolate malt balls, it sounds delish.
Can’t wait until next year when these mewing mothers hear about Ben & Jerry’s next flavor, Betty White’s Dusty Muffin.
Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
