This hat is money

Sights and sounds from the second annual Bourbon and Bacon Fest

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At face value, the Bourbon and Bacon Fest, which was held at the McNichols Civic Center in Denver on a late January Saturday afternoon, is what shows up in the dream catcher. It’s two hours of unlimited samples of about 50 bourbons, and variations on bacon ranging from pulled pork belly to bacon cupcakes to bacon pizza.

Though when the throng of 1,000 guests settles in to the venue and carves lines that go 15-minutes deep, you’re glad your media pass got you in an hour early. Your belly is full of, no surprise, bacon and bourbon, and the people, growing ever drunker, now become the primary fascination.

With that in mind, these are the best things overseen and overheard at this year’s fest. May it inspire you to buy your tickets early next year, or to pick up your favorite craft whiskey, throw some pig meat on the grill and see buy what comes out of your mouth. 

“I hope those couches are for sleeping later, ’cause I’m going to need it. This is dangerous.” — Put-together, middle-aged woman five minutes into the event.

In a corner on the first floor, away back from the booths of vendors and adjacent to the tub of free water bottles that one elderly man is pulling from how (it looks like from experience), a teenage security guard closes his eyes and part aggressively plays air saxophone.

Three adult men, in different colored fedoras, sitting on a couch and from, crunching into bacon-dusted and cellophane-like chicharones in harmony.

“I don’t care if they’d let me but I’d kiss him right on the mouth,” — A young woman who, after listening to the full conversation, was referring to President Obama’s Portuguese Water Dog, Bo.

“I went up to the bartender and I asked him which drink I should get. He said, ‘Are you looking for a slow burn or do you want to put the pedal to the metal?’ I told him, ‘I have kids, man, and a family, and that’s straight bourbon and absinthe.’ So he gave me the punch,” — A family man who was talking about the two complimentary cocktail options for VIP patrons: the “Saturday Sipper,” made of bourbon, black tea, orange marmalade and lemon juice, and the “Battle of New Orleans,” bourbon, absinthe and two types of bitters.

“No.” — A woman who really looked like the actress from E.R. and the wife in Liar, Liar (Maura Tierney), when she was asked if she was the actress from E.R. and the wife in Liar, Liar.

So many fedoras. So much neck hair. So many blonde sales reps in short, knit black dresses. So many more cops than last year.

“This hat is money.” — Guy in reference to a hat at the Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey table.

“We should’ve taken like seven burritos for when we’re drunk.” — A voice in the wind.

“Not to be a jerk or anything, but this whole event seems a little gluttonous and wasteful; everyone throws out half their food. Oh well, what’re you gonna do? God bless America.” — my fiancée, unprompted.

“You drive.” — Me. 

Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com