Dear Dan I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year. We met on FetLife and I was honest about being in an open relationship (at the time) and seeking a sexual connection over a relationship. But one nut after another and pretty soon we were professing our love for each other and he shared that he wanted to be the father of my children. However, right before he moved in I found out he was still texting other women despite asking me not to text, sext or have sex with any other men. He also regularly “yucks my yum” and makes fun of the types of porn I watch and calls it “gross” (my thing for cuckolding being his main target) and he also insists men can’t be friends with women yet he’s still friends with women he’s had sex with. He hides the fact he is masturbating from me but expects to participate in all my masturbation sessions. He claims we have no sexual secrets but I snooped and learned he was looking at porn with titles like “TS,” “sissy,” “gay” and “BBW Black.” It makes me feel small because of the nagging feeling I may not be his cup of tea since he hides these other interests from me while not allowing me to hide anything from him. I also worry that his “affection” for my black BBW ass may be no different than his objectification of trans women. He says he doesn’t want to “burden” me with “rapey” sex play but I am open to sex of all kinds of sex, not just the softcore-porn kind — so long as he doesn’t start by rubbing my boobs like they’re doorknobs. I am at my wits end. I already emailed an LGBTQIA+ friendly couples counselor because we are both scared the relationship will end. But I can’t keep turning a blind eye to his half-truths, double standards and hypocrisy.
—Feeling Extremely Tense
Dear FET: BREAK UP.
This guy sounds like equal parts asshole and mess. And he needs to work on that — he needs to clean up his mess — on his own. You can’t do the work for him, FET, and I would urge you to resist the urge to use the relationship as leverage. Because by staying in this relationship despite his half-truths, his double standards and his hypocrisies — by sticking around to be shamed and manipulated — you’re sending him a message that says, “It’s fine, you’re fine, we’re fine.” Perhaps I shouldn’t say, “You’re sending him a message,” because this shit isn’t your fault, FET. But he will self-servingly interpret your willingness to stay and work on the relationship — as if the relationship is the problem here —as proof that he doesn’t need to do something about his own shit. He will assume he can continue to get away with being a controlling, manipulative and sex-shaming asshole… because he’s getting away with it.
When your current boyfriend “yucks your yum,” when he says the porn you like is gross, he’s projecting the shame he feels about all the non-normative (but perfectly wonderful) stuff that turns him on. When someone vomits their shame all over you, FET, getting yourself out of vomit-range is your best option. And for the record: I don’t think your boyfriend is mess because he’s interested in more kinds of sex than he admits or more types of women than just your type of woman or dudes or power games that touch on gender roles and/or taboos. And the fact that he’s hiding his attraction to trans women from you isn’t by itself proof that he objectifies trans women, FET, or that he’s objectifying you. You don’t know how he would interact (or how he has interacted) with a trans partner. What you do know is he treats you like shit and makes you feel bad about yourself and demands transparency from you without being transparent in return. DTMFA.
P.S. Please don’t let his shitty comments about your turn-ons lead you to doubt your desirability — just the fact that you’re into cuckolding makes you something of a prize, FET, as there are easily a hundred times as many men into cuckolding as there are women. It wouldn’t take you long to replace a guy who shames you for being into cuckolding with a guy who absolutely worships you for it.
P.P.S. I don’t think you had grounds to snoop, FET, or a need to snoop. You knew everything you needed to know about this guy before you found his secret undeleted browser history. Insisting you cut your male friends and exes out of your life was reason enough to end this relationship.
Dear Dan: I’m an out 26-year-old gay man with a 30-year-old boyfriend who is not out. That’s fine. Everyone gets to come out at their own pace. We have been together for three years and lived together for two. Which is also fine. I like living with him. But he “jokingly” calls me his “faggy roommate” and sometimes puts me down about being gay when we are around mutual friends so people won’t think he’s gay.
—Just Over Keeping Everything Secret
Dear JOKES: NO.
Everyone gets to come out at their own pace — sure, OK, I guess, whatever. But closeted adult gay men don’t get to heap insults on their out gay sex partners in order to throw mutuals off the scent. (The scent of cock on their breath.) Unless you get off on this treatment and wrote in to brag (not a single question mark detected in your email), JOKES, you need to DTMFCCA. (“Dump the motherfucking closet case already.”)
Dear Dan: I’m a fit and healthy 66-year-old woman. (Vegan 53 years and have never been sick a day in my life!) I’ve been told I look 40ish — so not too bad! I was married for 20 years and then sat on the bench without so much as one date for 18 years because I was a hardworking single mom of three kids. So I met a guy about six years ago. I was dating around a bit at the time and figured he was too. Well, I later found out he had me “checked out and followed” and even hacked my computer, where he found a couple of sexy emails to another guy. We were not exclusive at the time and years later — six years later — he throws the details of one particular email I sent to another in my face every chance he gets. He has actually told me he was dating other women when we first met. Of course he was! No big deal at all but it irks me that he hired someone to follow my every move! (He even accused me of getting paid for sex and said he had proof! Totally false!) We have been engaged and I am holding back from marrying him. Otherwise he is good to me. What’s the deal here?
—Engaged Dame Grows Edgy
Dear EDGE: RUN.
This is emotional abuse — hurling that none-of-his-business email in your face every chance he gets — and it’s gonna get worse if you marry him. This kind of shit always gets worse after the wedding, e.g., it gets worse once getting away from someone like this requires lawyers and court dates. DTMFA. There’s a huge difference between the kind of lapse in judgement that might prompt someone to snoop and hiring a private investigator to track someone’s movements. Someone who would do that — someone who would essentially outsource stalking you — isn’t a person you’re obligated to break up with face-to-face or sit down with to give them “closure.” Prioritize your safety, EDGE. A text message and a block are all the closure he needs and far more consideration than he deserves.
P.S. Veganism is healthy and an all-plant diet is good for the planet. And it’s wonderful that you haven’t been sick a day in your life! But we’re all going to die — it’s just that some of us are going to die with a slice of cheese pizza in our greasy hands.