An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world


Where’s the crypt?

Don’t understand Bitcoin? We’ll break it down for you. It’s a cryptocurrency, meaning vast sums of coins that look freakishly like cardboard covered in tinfoil are stored deep in crypts in undisclosed locations around the world. Just think Gringots, the maze of bank vaults in J.K. Rowling’s acclaimed Harry Potter series. But unlike Harry, no one who owns bitcoin has been given the key or the coordinates to the crypt. So while the world waits for the great reveal, the conglomeration of goblins that control the crypt (again, think Harry Potter) are free to manipulate the price of all those “coins” in their possession by telling the rest of us each unit is now worth $11,000. Sorry to all of you (us), who never bought any.

Still don’t understand? Then we hate to break it to you, but that means you’re not as smart as 50 Cent. The rapper, who once claimed bankruptcy, just remembered he accepted 700 bitcoins for his 2014 album Animal Ambition, which means, according to the goblins, he’s now worth $7.7 million. Unfortunately, he, like the rest of us, still doesn’t know where the crypt is. So while he’s gloating on social media with emojis of moneybags, don’t be expecting a photo of a refrigerator full of bitcoins any time soon.

Now that’s a money grab

There are money grabs and then there are MONEY grabs. Elton John’s latest effort at enrichment falls most definitely into that second category.

Let’s start by saying we like Elton John. We’d pretty much support about anything he wants to do. After all, it’s his life and career. But he definitely crossed a line this time.

Wikimedia Commons/ANSA

British newspapers have been noting the 70-year-old music legend’s lackluster record sales for a number of years now. So it comes as no surprise that Elton would do what other aging music brands have done and cash in on a final concert or mini tour or something like that. We all remember the still-living members of The Grateful Dead playing that one last show in Chicago where tickets went for as much as $70,000. But then they played one more show after that, and then another and then a mini tour and so on and so forth.

Well that’s nothing compared with Elton’s announced retirement plan. With a straight face Mr. John sadly announced his retirement following one … final … tour, which he will call “Farewell, Yellow Brick Road.”

Hold back those tears, folks.

You see, this final farewell tour is scheduled to play 300 dates over the next three years. You heard that right. Elton is apparently going to personally say goodbye to every single person on the planet that can cough up $150 for the privilege of hearing those words. 

Elton won’t finish his last tour ’til he’s 73 and then who knows. He might just add one more big show and then another and maybe a mini tour and all of a sudden it’s Elton and Company touring ’til the end of time.