ICUMI

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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SHOTS FIRED

So-called internet “personality,” professional gambler and reigning world douchebag champion Dan Blizerian took to Twitter this week to share his deep and meaningful thoughts on the #MeToo movement.

“This #metoo shit is getting out of control, guys getting their lives ruined over touching a girl’s back or hitting on someone. Fuck this country is getting soft.”

We would fire back at Blizerian, but the omnipresent DJ and producer Diplo saved us all the trouble and obliterated Blizerian for us — shots fired via tweet, of course. 

“wow i wonder why a person who has kicked a woman in the face, broken another’s leg, and has to pay models to hang out with him would feel nervous about this movement?”

Pretty good from a guy who thought making a song with Justin Bieber rapping was a good idea.

To clarify Diplo’s response, Blizerian was banned from a Miami nightclub for kicking a women in the head, broke a woman’s foot by throwing her off a roof and missing the pool, and is most widely known for using his trust fund to facilitate a lavish, perpetually college-type lifestyle.

For anyone else who thinks the #MeToo movement has gone too far, let us say this: If you think Aziz Ansari’s career is ruined, think again. If you think Louis C.K. will never work again, you’re delusional. Now, Matt Lauer is a different story. Maybe.

We all know the difference between Matt Lauer and Aziz Ansari and we don’t have to be OK with any of it. We assure you more women have experienced the kind of harassment that Ansari dished out, and we assure you we don’t give a damn what the human personification of an inflamed hemorrhoid like Blizerian thinks.

You dirty dog

Recently we sat next to a service dog and its owner on a flight home to Denver International Airport. The dog was cute as could be, cuddly, quiet. Didn’t bark or relieve itself. Really it just slept the whole time, much like we wanted to.

But recently, we found ourselves wondering how we would react to a different species of service pets on a plane. In case you are unfamiliar, there are more service animals than just (the most popular) dog. You can have a service pig, a service kangaroo, even a service boa constrictor, apparently. None of which would be a pleasant flight mate. Just rewatch Snakes on a Plane if you question us.

But what about a peacock? The internet is ablaze this week with the news that United Airlines officials at Newark International Airport refused to board an emotional support peacock. Oh, the nerve! But this may just be the first service peacock the world has seen! Can we at least give him credit for that? His name is Dexter, and he lives in New York.

Dexter has his own Instagram. Dexter plays pinball. Dexter gets walked throughout Brooklyn on a leash. He celebrates birthdays. He takes selfies. He poses with his nude owner… Dexter, you dirty dog. Oh wait, if you were a dog, you’d have been let on the plane.

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