ICUMI

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Uranus smells like rotten eggs

Scientists at Oxford University published research this week that detailed how Uranus smells like rotten eggs, due to the presence of hydrogen sulfide in the atmosphere.

The lead scientist on the project was reportedly hesitant to publish the findings that Uranus smells like rotten eggs because he’d given his entire life to study the distant planet’s atmosphere, dropping hundreds of thousands of dollars and countless hours on rigorous study, eschewing any semblance of a social life to the point that he no longer believes he is capable of loving anyone, not even his parents, who, like everyone else, laughed at him for having the audacity to believe he could excel in astrophysics and mathematics when he couldn’t even manage a B in elementary school math.

After all the years of abuse and belittlement, as people close to him didn’t believe in his ability, and laughed at his ridiculous pursuit to find some arcane detail about something so far removed from earth, to come out and say Uranus smells like rotten eggs is like a slap in the face.

“Sure, it’s a funny name for a planet, but I love it nonetheless, and guess what? Say it the other way, the way you’re supposed to say it, and it still sounds like urine. It still sounds like urine, Dad!”

The hip bone’s connected to the stabbing bone

Sure, you know Uranus smells like rotten eggs, but did you know your thigh bones make the most exquisite, durable daggers? Despite our in-office collection of human-bone daggers, we had no idea just how superior they were either.

Studying weapons prized by the people of New Guinea, a team of researchers used imaging, computer simulations and very practical, not-at-all creepy stabbing tests on daggers made from human bones to determine that yes, humans are indeed good for something other than destroying the planet and making people like Kim Kardashian wildly famous.

In the paper detailing their findings, the authors write that human-bone knives were worn as “conspicuous personal adornments” and were a “highly desirable status symbol among men.”

Who needs custom-tailored suits when you can brandish the intricately carved, blood-stained bones of your enemies?

Morbid, yes, but take heart in how much humanity has evolved since the days when our ancestors killed each other in hand-to-hand combat and stripped the meat from their skeletons in order to use those bones as weapons to kill other humans. Now we politely smear nerve agents on the doors of our enemies so they can quietly foam at the mouth on a public park bench.

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