ICUMI

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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Joel Dyer | Boulder Weekly

Kaepernick endorses Trump, subsequent
spontaneous implosion causes sinkhole in between Kentucky and Missouri; OKlahoma Reeling

This week, Nike came out with an ad that supported former NFL player Colin Kaepernick and his decision to take a knee during the national anthem before games to protest police brutality and racial injustice.

Well, this caused a bunch of people who had bought Nike products and who disagree with Kaepernick’s protest to destroy their own clothes and products. When told about the counter-protests, Nike owner Phil Knight is likely to have said, “That’s pretty stupid.”

But now meteorologists in the Midwest are reporting on a multi-state and Swoosh-shaped sinkhole after Kaepernick, “Just for shits” decided to publicly express his support for Donald Trump.

“If there’s one person who stands for everything that I stand for, it’s Donald Trump,” Kaepernick allegedly said in a press release. “Not only do we look alike, talk alike, care for our bodies the same way, but we also think exactly the same. Bet you didn’t know that.”

A local researcher we contacted said the news of Kaepernick supporting Trump created what’s known in the scientific community as “the old switcheroo.”

“It’s sort of like — and please, stop me if I’m being too technical here — when you drop Mentos mint into Diet Coke. The Mentos sinks deep into the body of the soda, but then it fizzes out and destroys the whole thing from inside in a magnificent foam show,” the researcher said. “When Kaepernick supported Trump, it was like a giant Mentos was dropped into the Diet Coke souls of all his deepest supporters, and the pressure was too much for them to remain.”

You can breathe again

Thank the starry heavens. Saturn has finally wrapped up its “stutifying five-month backspin in Capricorn,” Astrostyle.com reports this week. That pesky planet’s meddling is to blame for any and all of the creative stalls you’ve been experiencing the past five months. Bless its curtain call. You are now free!

“Have you allowed yourself to get pulled down into a spiral of inertia? With the cautious planet moving ahead, you’ll have the confidence to take a gamble and get back in the game,” the Astrotwins, who are responsible for the wisdom on Astrostyle.com, advise. And to prepare for the absolute downpour of creativity and openness that will flood your life, the duo offers some advice for those love-inclined.

Are you single? “Don’t get hung up on previous experience (even heartache),” they implore. “Give the dating world another chance.”

Or, are you in a relationship? “Couples might want to form a competitive trivia team or take up tennis,” they advise, and then add that Sunday’s stars will be sure to “pour lighter fluid on your fire,” so don’t forget to dress appropriately.

How about a budding relationship? If you were in the middle of cooking up something good “when Saturn pivoted and suddenly went sideways,” they say, “this course correction can get things rolling again — if you’re still interested.”