WRITTEN IN THE STARS
There are lots of reasons why Donald Trump ended up as the leader of the free frickin’ world: a demoralized American working class, a wealth of actually fake news making rounds on social media, because the Democratic Party threw all their weight behind a status quo candidate… and the list goes on.
But what if there was another reason, something beyond human control? What if Trump’s win was ordained by the heavens, set in motion long before gravity gathered the gas and dust that eventually formed Earth?
Much like your weekly horoscope makes you feel better about the fact that you’re indecisive to a point of dysfunction (“I can’t help it — I’m a Pisces!”), astrology can now relieve you of the nauseating guilt (maybe that’s jealousy) that rises each time your friend from Canada tells you he’s sorry and you can stay at his cabin in Manitoba whenever you’re ready to leave. (“We got Trudeau — snack on that for lunch, you frickin’ hoser!”)
Some astrologers are predicting the upcoming solar eclipse could spell disaster for the Commander in Tweet.
Astrological consultant — yes, that’s apparently a thing — Wade Caves told AOL News — yes, that’s apparently a thing — that while the stars have been in the POTUS’ favor through his candidacy and election, the celestial tide is about to turn.
Caves told AOL there was a total lunar eclipse when Trump was born on June 14, 1946, which Caves believes makes Trump more vulnerable to the influence of the moon.
There’s some stuff about the sun being in Leo, and Leo eclipses being connected to the fall of, ahem, kings.
So, the position of the Aug. 21 eclipse in relation to the star Al Jabhah (not a Bollywood celebrity, oops) typically “brings loss and danger,” Caves said. This could mean “danger of mutiny and murder.”
Caves said he felt well within his “bounds astrologically to make such a prediction given the symbolism.” He added that a health issue could pull Agent Orange out of the Oval Office.
“It’s also quite reasonable to suspect ousting, either through official channels or mutiny behind closed doors.”
So there you have it. None of this is our fault. Wash your hands of the whole matter. The universe’s got this one. The stars will align, the delicate moon will cover the mighty sun, rivers will run red with the blood of mortals, locust will descend in droves, all of the nations of the world will accept a single currency, Leo will roar and Donald Trump will hold the Oval Office no more.
Or Trump could be toppled by the fact that he’s an incompetent egomaniac who can’t take a dump without tweeting about how it’s the most beautiful dump in the world. A huge dump. You’ve never seen a dump like this.
But then again, that’s just because he’s a Gemini.