All hail Zoron
Hey NASA, want to increase your funding? We’ve got a great idea how you can get all the money you could ever want. It works like this:
So astronomers have just announced that they’ve found a star that is being orbited by seven “Earth-like” planets and its only 40 light years away. So all you have to do is tell a little white lie. Let it leak that you’ve picked up radio broadcasts from one of these planets and that you’ve managed to translate them. Let it be known that the broadcasts appear to be election results and that somebody named Zoron has been elected supreme ruler with 310 electoral votes and that more than two million people attended his inauguration. Just for fun throw in that Zoron lives in a building that really has 68 stories and that he’s famous for his big hands. Next, it’s important to get just the right media coverage of this leak. Considering your ultimate target, you should probably slip it to Breitbart News and the National Inquirer. Just put an unmarked envelope in the two front row seats in the White House press room marked “reserved” and they’ll do the rest. And finally, just think of the biggest number you can, put a dollar sign in front of it and tell the president that’s how much it will cost to make Zoron go away. Now sit back and watch your budget grow.
Who you calling a crazy cat lady?
When you choose a side, battle lines are drawn. It becomes almost impossible to understand the opposition. No matter how much you try to bend your mind, it’s baffling how someone could disagree with the fundamental beliefs that are so rooted in the core of your humanity. We’re of course talking about the fierce battle between dog and cat lovers.
For years both sides have had ammunition: Dogs are needy, cats are sleazy. Dogs are slobs, cats are snobs. Kids that grow up with dogs become functioning adults, while kids that grow up with cats develop schizophrenia. Well, hold your horses, that last one might not be true anymore.
A new study conducted by the University College London (UCL) concludes — drumroll please — that having a pet cat during childhood does not cause mental illness later in life. Imagine that!
The mere existence of this study might be shocking to some of us, especially those who enjoy the company of our furry feline friends. But back a couple years ago, multiple studies linked cat ownership with developing schizophrenia later in life.
The folks that conducted the UCL study say the pervious studies linking the two were misleading and flawed. No kidding, since cats are pretty popular house pets and schizophrenia only affects roughly 1 percent of the world population… We’re just glad hardworking people are spending their time proving things we already knew were true.
Now we’re not suggesting the dog people had anything to do with this. But we know some cat people working to prove dog ownership leads to unemployment and baldness. The conclusions are yet to be determined.
Here are a few studies we suggest conducting: Do ferret owners commit more murders than bird owners? Does having a snake during middle school directly coincide with increased divorce rates? Do mouse lovers get laid more than fish lovers?