Rutgers scores a touchdown
Honestly, we never thought that much about Rutgers University. Everybody knows it’s a good school, academically speaking, but aside from that, who ever gave the place a second thought?
But then came the New England Patriots visit to the White House. You know the drill; whichever team wins the Super Bowl gets to visit the sitting president at the White House.
It’s safe to say that most of America hates the Patriots so the thought of them having to spend time with Trump was about the only joy we got out of Super Bowl 51. But then we read the fine print on the visit.
Not every member of the Patriot’s team was willing to set foot in the house of Trump. In fact four players in particular were conspicuously absent: Devin McCourty, Logan Ryan, Duron Harmon and Jonathan Freeny. So what’s so strange about that, you ask?
All four of these members of the team went to the same university, Rutgers.
It’s strange enough that the Patriots have four members of their team from Rutgers. It’s not exactly a football powerhouse. But the fact that none of the guys from Rutgers were willing to put on a fake smile and pose for photos with the Trumpster says something about their education. We don’t profess to understand exactly what this presidential diss says about the school, but we’re pretty sure we like it. Go Rutgers. You’re doing something right.
Kill Bill: Vol 3
Barring any apocalyptic event, it looks like Christmas will come twice this year. Liberals around the country prepared feasts, drank deeply of mead and sang carols as news came that Fox gave Bill O’Reilly the boot.
In what came as a surprise to no one but O’Reilly, the angriest man on Earth was felled by a series of harassment complaints from women he’d worked with at Fox over the years. In a prepared statement, O’Reilly lamented that he couldn’t help that women find him so attractive (please refer to ICUMI subhead).
As is tradition, Rupert Murdoch and his sons, James and Lachlan, donned robes sewn from the hair of the most sensitive liberals and performed the ancient sacrament needed to expel O’Reilly from The Eternal Sacred Order of Beelzebul. Building a fire lit from the eternal flame from John F. Kennedy’s grave and stoked by copies of Rachel Carson’s Silent Spring, they then burned O’Reilly’s contract, and asked St. Reagen to forgive them for forsaking a great warrior in order to protect their profit margins.
This certainly won’t be the end of O’Reilly’s career as a conservative sycophant.
Our money is on O’Reilly joining Tomi Lahren to create the angriest show on television, The Blazing No Spin Zone.