(IN CASE YOU MISSED IT)

An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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OUR TAKE ON THE FIRST DEMOCRATIC DEBATE

Bernie Sanders told Americans that with one out of six of us living in poverty and unable to adequately feed our children, it might be time to look to countries like Norway that have managed to create a political system that provides healthcare, transportation, jobs and the world’s best education system for all of its citizens while nearly wiping out poverty.

Hillary’s response? I like Norway, but WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND WE DON’T NEED TO LOOK TO ANY COUNTRY. WE HAVE THE SYSTEM THAT CREATED THE GREATEST NATION ON EARTH. Or some mindless crap along those lines.

The audience stood and went wild with applause following Hillary’s big-eyed declaration that the U.S.A. is the greatest show on Earth.

Translation: The American people, Democrats and Republicans alike, are quite possibly too stupid to ever fix the complicated problems facing our nation. Too many people in this country, including those who vote, would rather stick a flag decal on their forehead while chanting “We’re number one,” than to even contemplate, let alone acknowledge, that we’ve fallen far behind other industrialized nations when it comes to education, transportation, healthcare and fighting poverty.

It was always clear that Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders would be a tough pill to swallow for an America force fed an unhealthy diet of American exceptionalism since birth, but it wasn’t clear until the debate that he was the only candidate willing to talk about issues beyond the polling points.

So America, with one debate behind us, we now feel comfortable calling the 2016 Presidential race. Hillary Clinton will be in the White House come January 2017, and not one damn thing will change over the next four years, except the big banks will get bigger, the oil and gas industry will get everything it wants and income disparity will increase. And it will be nobody’s fault but our own.

We should have looked at Norway, guess that flag decal got in the way. Besides, No. 23 in education isn’t that bad, and heck, we’re still number one in maternal death rates. Ours is the highest of any developed nation in the world. We’re also number one in incarceration. Take that Norway.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE… NAKED.

For decades men have cried, “I only read it for the articles!” 

This defense, when used after getting caught with a stack of Playboys under their bed, is always met with an eye roll and a “Yeah, sure.”

Well now it’ll be true! Mostly, anyways. 

Feminism pioneer Hugh Hefner recently announced no more naked ladies will be distracting those who are trying to READ his magazine. Don’t worry bud, there’s always the Internet, and Playboy does plan to continue publishing photos of scantly clad women — way better than fully naked.

“But then what’s left without the nudies?” You might ask. Well, articles, I guess. 

This decision follows years of trouble for the magazine — down from a circulation of more than 5 million in the ’70s to less than one million currently.

As intellectual journalism flies from the shelves of newsstands and profits bajillions of dollars (not), Hef thinks, “Give the people what they want! No more naked ladies! More smart people stuff!” 

Other improvements the company is considering to boost its image are adding glasses to the iconic bunny logo, replacing all surfaces of the Playboy mansion and the possibility of 89-year-old Hefner dating a woman his own age, or at least older than 30.

This news also comes at the same time that Miley Cyrus and The Flaming Lips announce an all-naked concert. Tsk Tsk. Playboy would not approve.