Dear Dan: Living my truth permits others in my fairly conservative circles — Christian family struggling to accept a gay son, colleagues in a traditionally masculine field — to accept gay/other/different folks. I identify as a bottom, and until recently I thought I had erectile dysfunction because I would literally go soft at the thought of topping another man. I should mention that I’m black in the Pacific Northwest, so there is this odd “BBC” fixation and an expectation from many guys that I will top. However, I am usually very submissive and drawn to hypermasculine, dominant guys. But I recently noticed an attraction to married guys — specifically, submissive bottom masculine/muscular married guys who like to wear lingerie. I met a few and became this dominant guy who fit the stereotype most guys expect when they see me online or in person. Now I’m very confused. I tried topping recently, because a married guy begged me to. He said,“You’ll never know if you like it until you try it!” Which is the same thing my traditional uncles have said to me about women. My life would be so much easier if I just married a woman! So this sudden turn from bottom to top is troubling me. I don’t think it is possible to turn straight, but I didn’t think I was a top until a few weeks ago. So am I capable of turning straight? That would validate everything my homophobic family members have said. I’m repulsed by vaginas but fascinated by boobs. Have you seen/heard of things like this?
—Praying The Straight Away
Dear PTSA: If you’re a regular reader, PTSA, you’ve seen letters in this space from straight-identified guys into cock. Many of these guys have described themselves as being fascinated by cock but repulsed by men; some of these guys seek out sex with trans women who’ve kept their dicks. Your thing for hot guys in lingerie and your thing for boobs might be the gay flip of this erotic script — boobs fascinate you, but you’re not into the genitalia most women have. Muscular guys in lingerie turn you on — big pecs can fill out a lacy bra just as alluringly as big boobs — and it’s possible you might enjoy being with a trans woman who got boobs but kept her dick.
All that said, PTSA, discovering after years of bottoming that you enjoy topping certain types of men — masculine/muscular married guys who beg for your dick while wearing lingerie — doesn’t mean you’re “capable” of turning straight. Going from bottom to versatile isn’t the same thing as going from men to women. And being fascinated by a body part that typically comes attached to people, i.e., women, who fall outside your usual “erotic target interest,” as the sex researchers say, isn’t a sign that your uncles were right all along.
In short, PTSA, you aren’t potentially straight — you’re gay and a little more complicated, interesting and expansive than you realized at first.
P.S. On behalf of all the dudes who have objectified you with this “BBC” stuff and made you feel anything other than proud to be primarily a bottom, please accept my apology.
Dear Dan: I’m a competent in-person lover, but I’m the worst at Skype/FaceTime/WhatsApp sex. I can’t get the angle right, I don’t know what to wear, I feel shy, I don’t know what to say, I can’t get off, I giggle like a 15-year-old girl getting her first French kiss under the bleachers. I’m going to be away from my guy for most of the summer and I need to figure this out. Any advice or tips?
—Struggle Keeping Yonder Penis Entertained
Dear SKYPE: A 15-year-old girl may giggle the first time she gets French-kissed under the bleachers — or she may not — but a girl who giggles the first time probably isn’t going to be giggling the 50th. So just keep at it, try to relax and enjoy yourself, and ask your partner to take the lead, i.e., if you don’t know what to do, ask him to tell you what he’d like you to do, SKYPE — but only follow the orders you’re comfortable following.
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