Mother love

Photo credit: Rachel Robinson
Rachel Robinson

Dear Dan: I’m an old guy, 68 years old to be exact. (Also a Scorpio, if that matters.) I’ve always been a pretty horny person, and I had a lot of fun from the 1960s through the 1980s with a number of lovers. I figured that as I got older, my horniness would lessen and I could think about something other than pussy. Trouble is, I don’t seem to be less horny. I find myself attracted to women in their 30s or 40s, but I wonder how I appear to them. I don’t want to make an utter fool of myself by making an unwanted advance — but the truth is, I’m still pretty hot to trot. What do I do?

—Not Ready For The Nursing Home

Dear NRFTNH: You could see sex workers (quickest fix), you could look for women in their 30s or 40s who are attracted to guys pushing 70 (gerontophilia is a thing), you could date women in their 50s or 60s with a youthful appearance and/or attitude (there are lots out there, NRFTNH, and they often gather in groups to complain about how men their age are only interested in much younger women), or you could do all of the above. But you shouldn’t regard moving into a nursing home as the end of your sex life, NRFTNH. I’m constantly reading news reports about sexually transmitted disease epidemics in nursing homes and retirement communities. People may not like to think about the elderly having sex — and the elderly apparently don’t think about protection (or they’re denied access to it) — but lots of old fuckers are still fucking. (And, as astrology is bullshit, NRFTNH, being a Scorpio doesn’t matter. It never has and it never will.)

Dear Dan: My husband has a foot fetish. The feel of his tongue between my toes when he “worships” my feet doesn’t arouse me in the least. Rather, it feels like I’m stepping on slugs in the garden barefoot. Our sex life is fine otherwise. I resolved to grin (or grimace) and bear this odd aspect of his sexuality before we married, but I cannot continue to do so. When I told him this, he asked to be allowed to attend “foot model” parties. There wouldn’t be intercourse, but he would pleasure himself in the presence of these foot models (and other males!). This would, in my opinion, violate our monogamous commitment and our marriage vows. I enjoy your podcast and I know you often advocate for open relationships. But you also emphasize your respect for monogamy and the validity of monogamous commitments. We are at an impasse. Please advise.

—Throwing Off Expectations

Dear TOE: While “love unconditionally” sounds nice, TOE, monogamy was a condition of yours going into this marriage (and a valid one), and being able to express this aspect of his sexuality was a stated or implicit condition of his (and, yes, an equally valid one). If you’re going to unilaterally alter the terms and conditions of your marriage, TOE, then you’ll need to reopen negotiations and come to a new agreement with your husband, one that works for both of you. (Jesus, lady, let him go to the fucking party!)   

On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood:

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