Needs and deeds

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Photo credit: Rachel Robinson
Rachel Robinson

Dear Dan: I’m a transgender woman married to a cis woman. Is cuckolding strictly a male-being-humiliated-by-his-woman-partner thing? Or does it apply to all couples?

—Cuckolding Holds Erotic Allure That Satisfies

Dear CHEATS: A man can cuckold a woman, CHEATS, and a man can cuckold a man, and a woman can cuckold a woman, and an enby can cuckold an enby. But women who are into being subs in a cuckold relationship — women who get off on being cheated on and erotically humiliated by their partners — are called cuckqueans, not cuckolds.

Dear Dan: When I was younger and more stupid, I let my husband have intercourse with me or have me blow him or jack him off while I was on the phone with my sister. It was not something that I wanted to do, but I wasn’t strong enough then to resist his pressure. For the last five years, I’ve asked him to respect me and not do this. He was good about it for a while, and I thought that we were on the same page. Now he has resumed pressuring me to do this. When I am on the phone with my sister, he will come in and harass me, grope me and attempt to remove my clothes. So I get off the phone. This makes him mad. If I say no, he emotionally withdraws, stops conversation about it, and tells me “no sex, no marriage.” We do have a sex life that does include some of his kinks. What is your opinion about using unwitting people on the other end of the phone for sexual satisfaction?

—Persistent Husband’s Obnoxious Needs Enrage Spouse

Dear PHONES: The imperfect, doesn’t-always-apply adage “What you don’t know can’t hurt you” applies where your unwitting sister is concerned — so long as she doesn’t know you’re multitasking during your phone conversation, PHONES, no harm is done to your sister. But you know it’s happening and you don’t like it, and your husband knows you don’t like it but insists on doing it anyway. And when you shut him down — which is your absolute right — he gets angry, engages in emotional blackmail and threatens to leave you (“no sex, no marriage”). But you are having sex with your husband — sex that includes some of his other kinks — so what he’s really saying is, “All the sex I want, however I want it, whenever I want it, regardless of how you feel about it, or I’ll divorce you.” My advice: Divorce him yourself.

Dear Dan: I’m a 35-year-old gay man, and I’ve been single for 10 years. I’d kind of given up, but suddenly I’ve got a real sweet guy in my life. He’s 24, so we’ll see how the age thing works out. I used to be pretty adventurous with sex, but I feel extremely nervous now. I feel like a virgin all over again — except I’m not turned on. On our first date, we ended up in a public bathroom, where I gave him a handjob (his idea). Last night, we messed around at my place. We kissed and got naked, but I couldn’t get hard. We watched porn. That always works, but not this time. Finally, he played with my nipples and — presto chango — there was a happy ending at last! (Plus, it was a learning experience. I found out I like having my nipples licked, a lot!) I’m worried this will continue to happen. It’s like I’m thinking too much. I deal with anxiety and depression every day, and this is part of why I’ve been single for so long. I’m not feeling the urge to end the relationship yet, but I’ve been a wreck since we started dating. I’m attracted to this guy, but I can’t get turned on. Is this like not having the urge to eat when you’re nervous? Do I just need to wait it out until I’m comfortable with this guy, and hope he sticks around long enough to stick it in me?

—Lacking In My Pants

Dear LIMP: You’re attracted to this guy, LIMP, and you’re turned on by him, and you’re capable of getting hard. When he played with your tits — when he licked your nipples — it took the focus off your cock, and your cock instantly got hard. Do that more, LIMP: more dates with this guy, more rolling around with him, more exploring other erogenous zones. And it’ll help if you can tell him the truth: You’re a little nervous because it’s been a while since you dated anyone. Once you’re more comfortable with him — once you’re more comfortable seeing someone — your boners will come.

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