I don’t wanna cuckold; Both sides of the story

Dan Savage
LaRae Lobdell of PhotoSister.com

Dear Dan: My new girlfriend blurted out that she had a cuckolding past with her ex-husband. She says her ex badgered her into arranging “dates” with strangers and that he picked the guys. Her ex would then watch her having sex with a guy in a hotel room. The ex only watched and didn’t take part. I am really bothered by her past. She says she did it only because her ex pressured her into it and she wanted to save her marriage, so she agreed. But I suspect she may have enjoyed it and may have been testing me to see if I wanted to be a cuck. What should I do? I am really torn by my feelings toward her. — Confused In NOVA

Dear CINOVA: You suspect she may have enjoyed fucking those other men?

I hope she enjoyed fucking those other men — and you should too, CINOVA. Because even if cuckolding wasn’t her fantasy, even if she fucked those other men only to delight her shitty ex-husband, anyone who cares about this woman — and you do care about her, right? — should hope the experiences she had with those other men weren’t overwhelmingly negative, completely traumatizing, or utterly joyless.

And, yes, people will sometimes broach the subject of their own sexual interests/fantasies using the passive voice or a negative frame because they’re afraid of rejection or they want an easy out or both. (“My ex was into this kinda extreme thing, and I did it because I felt I had to.” “That’s gross.” “Yeah, I totally hated it.”) But cuckolding is almost always the husband’s fantasy — it’s rare for the wife to initiate cuckolding scenes/relationships — so odds are good that your girlfriend is telling you the truth about those other men being her ex-husband’s idea/fantasy and not hers.

As for whether she’s testing you: That’s a pretty easy test to fail, CINOVA. Open your mouth and say, “Cuckolding isn’t something I would ever want to do. The thought of you with another man isn’t a turn-on for me. Not at all.” It’s an easy F.

What should you do? If you can’t let this go, if you can’t get over the sex your girlfriend had with her ex-husband and those other men, if you can’t hope she had a good time regardless of whose idea it was, if you can’t take “I’m not interested in cuckolding you!” for an answer — if you can’t do all of that — then do your girlfriend a favor and break up with her. She just got out from under a shitty husband who pressured her into “cheating.” The last thing she needs now is a shitty boyfriend who shames her for “cheating.”

Dear Dan: It’s always a little frustrating to read columns where we hear only one side of the story. Maybe you could solicit letters from both partners? A couple would agree in advance what the problem was and both send in a letter, but they should not read each other’s letters. Keep up the great work!

— Just An Idea

Dear JAI: I love this idea, JAI. Any game couples out there? Throuples welcome, too!

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