Dear Dan: I’m a straight guy but my whole life I have wanted to be spanked by older men. Does this make any sense? Because I’m confused. I don’t like or want penis. Yet I want to be spanked as a punishment by men. I don’t understand myself sometimes.
—Sincerely Pondering And Not Knowing
Dear SPANK: The truly important question here isn’t why you want this, SPANK, but how much more time you’re gonna waste sitting on your ass wondering why you want this when you could be out there getting that ass spanked? And even if you came up with a neat and tidy answer, you’re still gonna want older men to spank you. Because getting to the bottom of a kink—identifying some childhood trauma that explains everything—isn’t a cure. Instead of seeing the spankings you want as a riddle you need to solve you should see them as a reward for all the wondering you’ve had to do. If you need a label, SPANK, just say you’re bisexual for spankings. Not bi for blowjobs, not bi for anal, not bi for JO or mutual masturbation. Just bi for spankings.
Dear Dan: I like the way you walk the talk because gay guys in women’s clothes get me hard and horny and when I see a gay guy dressed in sexy clothing it just makes me want to jerk off and maybe one day I’ll meet a gay guy like you and suck and blow him.
—Gooning About Gay Guys In Naughty Gowns
Dear GAGGING: Articles of clothing don’t have genders, GAGGING, because anyone can wear anything, as Billy Porter was sent down to earth to teach us. Also, not all gowns are naughty—think night, hospital, dressing, etc. That said, GAGGING, I don’t wear the kind of clothing the cishet patriarchy would have us believe is for women alone. Well, I don’t wear that stuff anymore. I used to drag, GAGGING, and the pictures are out there, but I haven’t worn so much as a skirt for years. So, you can stop thinking about sucking my dick.
Dear Dan: I’m hoping to get an objective POV on something. I’m a 31-year-old male bottom. I have been in an open relationship with an amazing 31-year-old male top for 12 years. One year ago I started to suffer some gender dysphoria. At roughly the same time he expressed a desire to be topped. I never had any desire to top someone, I’ve never even felt that male urge to thrust my hips, but I hate that I’ve let my BF down. I can do this, but only with the help of ED meds. How can I get some pleasure out of it?
Dear TB: You could penetrate your BF with toys, or you could take one (or give one) for the team once in a while (by taking ED meds and topping him), or your boyfriend could bottom for other men, seeing as your relationship is already open. Or all of the above. And if it’s the thrusting and/or being in control that turns you off (or tweaks your gender dysphoria), take an ED med and let your boyfriend ride your hard dick—then instead of you fucking him, he’ll be fucking himself. Power bottom, sub top!
Dear Dan: I’m wondering how AJ, the FinDom you quoted at length in your most recent column, wound up on your radar and getting what amounted to free advertising in your column. You said he lives in the Pacific Northwest. Isn’t that where you live, Dan? And you said his bathroom is always spotlessly clean. How would you know that? Are you in his bathroom?
—Dan’s Ethics Are Lacking
Dear DEAL: I’ve never met AJ in person, there’s more than one city in the Pacific Northwest (and we don’t live in the same one), and I found AJ looking for gay FinDoms on Twitter who might want to answer CASHFAG’s question. That said, DEAL, while I’m far too cheap to be anyone’s finsub (or their sugar daddy, for that matter), I do enjoy cleaning bathrooms—but not in a pervy way. I enjoy cleaning bathrooms in an eat-an-edible-and-listen-to-musicals-and-zone-out-doing-housework-while-the-husband-and-his-boyfriend-are-at- the-gym sort of way. So, while I wouldn’t necessarily say no to cleaning AJ’s bathroom, I haven’t been asked, DEAL, and consequently haven’t had the pleasure.