Savage Love | Week of May 16, 2013


Dear Dan: I have a mentally disabled cousin who I haven’t figured out how to help. He’s lived for more than 40 years in the same nursing home in a small, conservative town. His mental age is about 8, there are other mental-illness issues, and he has some physical problems. He is now in his late 60s. He has always enjoyed dressing up as a woman, but given that he’s in a Christian nursing home, he must keep it fairly secret. He doesn’t want to move from his home of so many years. He periodically calls me to tell me about a dress he’s purchased or his monthly therapy sessions where he’s permitted to dress up, and I’m uncomfortable with the sexual vibe of the conversations. I would like him to have a sexual outlet, but one that doesn’t involve me. Any ideas?

—She Knows It’s Really Tough

Dear SKIRT: Nope. And staging some sort of intervention now — well, the effort seems about four decades late. Even if you could find a new living situation for your cousin, SKIRT, your cousin doesn’t want to move. He seems to like where he lives, he gets to buy himself dresses, and he gets to dress up once in a while. He’d probably be happier if he didn’t have to keep his dresses secret, but things could be much, much worse.

Dear Dan: I have a technical buttplug question. I’m in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. We don’t use protection except birth control. Is there any reason other than sexually-transmitted-infection issues — not an issue for us — that we shouldn’t share a butt plug?

—Sex Toys Are Pricey

Dear STAP: Nope.

Dear Dan: I am one of those straight girls who like to make out with other girls when I am drunk. It’s fun to get the attention of men by kissing girls! What’s so wrong with that? Why do so many lesbians and bi women disparage this behavior? I guess it could be said that my behavior encourages men to objectify women who kiss other women. But I feel like that shouldn’t be on me! Why all the hate? I am just an adult having sexy fun with other consenting adults!

—Drunk Straight Girl

Dear DSG: I can’t believe there are still queers out there hatin’ on drunk straight girls (DSGs) who make out with other DSGs to attract the attention of drunk straight boys (DSBs). Same-sex marriage is making significant gains — hurray for Rhode Island, Delaware, Minnesota, Uruguay, France, and New Zealand — but it remains illegal in 38 states, Congress has yet to pass the Employment Non- Discrimination Act, the HIV-infection rate among young gay and bi men is up, and trans people who just want to use the toilet are being attacked in schools and state legislatures across the country. (Google “rape” and “public restroom,” and tons of stories come up — but they’re all about straight men attacking women. Want to make public restrooms safer? Ban straight men from using them.) The queer community has 99 problems — at least — but DSGs making out with DSGs ain’t one.

Dear Dan: Straight guy here. No sex question. I just want you to tell me what is up with two guys at my gym. The skinnier dude does all the grunt work — sets up the weights, puts them back, wipes down the equipment — while the bigger dude stands there. The skinnier one can’t be the bigger dude’s personal trainer. Yesterday when the bigger dude noticed his shoe was untied, he pointed to his shoe, and the skinnier dude knelt and tied his fucking shoe for him. What the hell?

—Most Everyone At The Gym Is Freaked

Dear MEATGIF: What you’ve described sounds like a not-nearly-subtle-enough, semipublic Dom/sub muscle worship scene. But I could be wrong. So if you have to know for sure what’s up, MEATGIF, you’ll have ask the bigger dude. If it turns out these dudes are doing some sort of public Dom/sub scene, and the point is to humiliate the scrawnier dude, the bigger dude will be only too delighted to tell you about it.

This week on the Savage Lovecast: Tales of open relationships gone horribly wrong. And vibrator addiction syndrome — are you at risk? All at savagelovecast. com.

Send your questions to, and follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage.


Previous articleCarbon dioxide in atmosphere eclipses 400 parts per million
Next articleIRS whistleblower won’t answer questions from Congress