Dear Dan: I’m a 33-year-old man, and for years I’ve practiced edging. Recently I’ve experimented with long-term edges, where I’ll withhold coming for days or weeks while still maintaining a daily masturbation practice. I love living on that horny edge, and I’ve even learned to love the ache in my balls. But is this safe? Am I setting myself up for prostate/testicular trouble down the road?
— Priapus Precipice
Dear PP: A study conducted by researchers from Boston University School of Public Health and Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health found that men who masturbated at least 21 times per month — masturbated and ejaculated — were at lower risk of developing prostate cancer than men who ejaculated less than 21 times per month (“Ejaculation Frequency and Risk of Prostate Cancer,” European Urology). Read the study, PP, weigh the slightly increased risks against the immediate (and horny) rewards, and make an informed (and horny) choice.
Dear Dan: I wish I had a better question, but this is all I have: My friends and I were discussing the nuances of a straight orgy (a roughly equal number of male and female participants) versus a gang bang (one woman, many men), and we observed that there is no proper name for a one man, many women situation. The internet tells me it’s just a “reverse gang bang,” which is a very disappointing name. Can we please establish a new one?
— Curious Nonparticipant
Dear CN: How does “pussy riot” grab you? And while we’re on the subject of flipping gendered expressions: A number of years ago, I was asked to come up with a female version of “sausage fest.” Sticking with the food theme, I proposed “clam bake.” Still mystified as to why it didn’t catch on.
Dear Dan: I’m a 22-year-old woman living in Central Asia doing development work. There are 14 other expats within an hour or two of me, but eight of them are in relationships. I’ve always been the “single friend,” and normally I don’t mind. But being surrounded by couples right now has been a tax on my mental health. I know I’m young and should be focusing on this amazing opportunity and my career, but I can’t help but feel lonely at times, especially since I can’t speak the local language well and these 14 other people are the only ones near me who speak English. What should I do?
— Single Anonymous Dame
Dear SAD: Math. Eight of the 14 nearby English-speaking expats are in relationships. That means six nearby expats are single like you, SAD. It’s not a lot of people to choose from in real numbers, I realize, but as a percentage — 40 percent of nearby expats are single — it’s statistically significant, as the social scientists say. Focus on this opportunity, focus on your career and focus on that statistically significant number of nearby singles.
HEY, EVERYBODY: We’ve got rainbow ITMFA T-shirts and tank tops in time for Pride, and you can order them at ImpeachTheMotherFuckerAlready.com! ITMFA t-shirts and tanks — and buttons and hats and lapel pins — are a great conversation starter. Wear one to a party or bar or parade, and people will ask you what ITMFA stands for — and then you get to tell them: Impeach the motherfucker already! (If they laugh, take them home! If they frown, tell them off!) All proceeds from the sale of ITMFA merch goes to the ACLU, Planned Parenthood and the International Refugee Assistance Project. We’ve already donated more than $200K to those three great orgs and another $15K to hurricane relief efforts in Puerto Rico. Go to ITMFA.org to get your ITMFA tees and tanks in time for Pride!
Send questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, follow @fakedansavage on Twitter and visit ITMFA.org.