Dear Dan: I write you from Italy, where I follow you through Internazionale. I am a guy in his 30s sexually paralyzed with his girlfriend. We are together four years, and during the last year sex has gradually faded away, leaving me alone with my skillful hand (left one). The sexual paralysis is beginning to affect our behaviors. We don’t accept each other anymore. We are starting to mutually ignore. Verbal communication is poor. However, we are exceptional friends. I am good-looking, sociable, fit and with plenty of semen. Girls are quite interested, but I don’t want to cheat. I don’t believe in monogamy, but my girlfriend could never tolerate betrayal. What the fuck to do?
— Literally Outta Order Penis
Dear LOOP: Sometimes a relationship dies but we insist on propping the body up in a corner, LOOP, and pretending it’s still alive. We do this because even if the relationship is dead, our partner isn’t. And we can’t declare the thing dead — we can’t break the fuck up already — without hurting someone we used to have romantic feelings for and may still very much like as a person. So we tiptoe around the decomposing corpse until the stench can’t be ignored any longer.
This relationship is dead, LOOP: You no longer accept each other, you ignore each other and the sex dried up a year ago. On top of all that, LOOP, you don’t believe in monogamy and she can’t tolerate betrayals. Even if your relationship weren’t dead — and if it isn’t dead, LOOP, it’s so close you need to slap a Do Not Resuscitate order on its chart — you two aren’t a match. End the relationship, do your best to salvage the exceptional friendship, and stop letting all that semen go to waste.
Dear Dan: English is not my mother tongue. Bear with me. I’m bisexual, age 26 — I always knew I was, but like many bi girls I ended up with guys. I had a long, serious relationship with a man when I was young and only started exploring my sexuality after I found the guts to leave him. Then I fell in love with a girl. She’s a lesbian, and after a long and hard-fought chase, I finally got her. It’s been two months, I came out to my parents (whom I live with, adults living at home is acceptable in my culture, don’t judge), and they did not exactly welcome the news. But all would seem to be going well: I love a girl, she loves me, my parents let us be. Problem is, I want cock. I want a man to grab me and have sex with me. I’ve had the chance to do it and didn’t, because I wanted to respect the exclusivity of my relationship. My girlfriend knows about my doubts but says they are part of “questioning my non-heterosexuality.” I don’t want to leave her, because she’s my princess and my goddess, and I want to adore her for eternity. But I worry about bad judgment and impulses. Where do I go from here?
— Wanting A Dick
Dear WAD: Those aren’t doubts, WAD. They’re desires. You know what you want: You want your girlfriend, you want cock, you want a man to grab you, and you want to continue questioning — and shaping and defining — your non-heterosexuality. The problem, WAD, isn’t that you don’t know what you want, it’s that you don’t know how to fuse all these wants into a coherent identity. (Possible answer: “bisexual, lesbo-amorous, likely non-monogamous.”)
There are plenty of options you and your girlfriend can explore — together or separately. Get a fake cock and use it together. If that doesn’t slake your hunger for cock, maybe your girlfriend would be up for a threesome. If she’s not DTFAGWY (down to fuck a guy with you), discuss whether an open relationship is a possibility down the road.
That said, WAD, you and the Princess Goddess you worked so hard to land have only been together two months. If you’re wrecked over your need for cock at this early stage — if you’re not able to focus on her alone at eight weeks — maybe sexual exclusivity isn’t the right choice for you.
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