The high-functioning stoner

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According to a 2017 survey that polled 600 marijuana users, nearly half (48 percent) have gone to work high. Of those participants, 39 percent claimed they are stoned on the job at least once a week and 17 percent said at least once a month. Three out of four reported that they perform better at their jobs while high.

Depending on your job, smoking before work can either be a genius lifehack or one of the most irresponsible decisions you could make. EMTs shouldn’t be hotboxing an ambulance, but if you’re a mid-level office drone whose sobriety level doesn’t jeopardize the safety of others, you’re probably fine to blaze during work hours.

Being high in public, especially around your boss and coworkers, requires a certain finesse. Some people will never be high-functioning stoners, and that’s OK. If you’re the type of person who can barely keep their eyes open, has uncontrollable giggle fits and is terrified that everyone is onto them, this advice probably isn’t for you. But if you think you can get lit, crush your to-do list and function like a normal human, here’s how to do it right:

Strategize

What’s on your agenda for the day? Let that determine when and how much you indulge. Meetings all morning? Consider eating a low dose of edibles to make sitting in on that conference call feel less like you’re waiting to die. Getting stoned helps you tune out the annoying coworkers that never stop talking about how busy they are and helps you laugh at your supervisor’s lame joke like it’s the first time you’ve ever heard it. Need to spark your creativity? Microdosing was made for work. Try using a vape pen on a lower heat setting throughout the day. Just figure out your schedule and be practical. Don’t do a huge dab or rip a bong that puts you in a catatonic state right before walking into a one-on-one annual performance review with your boss.

Hide your high

It’s a dead giveaway when you walk in with your sunglasses on and your hoody up as you dump the mountain of snacks you just snagged from the vending machines onto your desk. Get to work on time and make sure you have the essentials: eye drops, gum and febreeze (or whatever holistic alternative you use to mask the skunk smell). Avoiding eye contact and small talk can be critical. Now is not the time to over analyze your co-worker’s tone. Don’t be paranoid. You’re fine. Sometimes I just sit down at my desk, put my headphones on and start typing really fast, like DON’T BOTHER ME I’M OBVIOUSLY IN MY ZONE!

Identify your allies

If you work in an office with other high-functioning stoners, this could take months to figure out. Eventually, they will come out of the woodwork. And suddenly, your art director wants to “have a creative brainstorming sesh” with you.