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An irreverent and not always accurate view of the world

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THE BEST ARGUMENT FOR WHY GLOBAL WARMING IS GOOD: FLORIDA UNDER WATER

Some people just can’t stay out of the news. The killer of Trayvon Martin is a great example of one of those people.

By now it seems the name George Zimmerman has become synonymous with “too stupid to breath.” And like a bad penny, he’s back.

This week Zimmerman decided to come to the aid of an embattled Central Florida gun-store owner. Now this owner fellow isn’t in trouble for the usual gun-store owner things like selling guns to the mentally ill or eighth graders who’ve grown weary of the jokes at their expense. No this dumbass has declared his gun store a “Muslim-free zone” and as a result he is getting sued and needs money for his defense.

Enter “Too stupid to breath.” So Zimmerman decided that the best way to help his new pal is to do a painting of a Confederate flag and then make prints that can be sold to raise funds for the store owner’s defense. You can’t make this stuff up.

Why a Confederate flag? In a 10-minute video, Zimmerman and store owner Andy Hallinan explain that they chose the controversial flag because they believe it must be defended against the current attempt at “cultural-cleansing” being perpetrated by elitist politicians and media.

Well, this elitist media doesn’t know much about cultural cleansing, but we sure know two piles of racist guano when we see it. Thank you once again, Sunshine State.

 

SUBWAY’S GOT A PROBLEM AND IT’S ABOUT SIX INCHES LONG

How does the fast food chain Subway think it’s going to get out of this one? Jaws dropped around the country earlier this week when people finally realized how terrible Subway sandwiches are. The unanimous revelation came minutes after a former Subway spokesman and terrible person said he would plead guilty to child pornography possession charges.

The timing of this grand realization is baffling. There are more Subways in the U.S. than McDonalds, and there’s about two dozen in Boulder County alone. How did everyone not know the food was so bad? Subway has demonstrated years of lunchtime abuse! Now sure, we’ve all been there. You’re on a long road trip and you need something quick and that isn’t going to make you sick. There’s, of course, a Subway. “Ugh, fine,” you say.

In fact, that should be Subway’s new tagline. Just because you put a bunch of Olympians in your advertisements doesn’t make your products healthy or good or legally sandwiches. The reason Jared lost so much weight eating Subway sandwiches in the first place is because he needed to train his brain to hate food.

I’ve seen some people do some terrible things to sandwiches, but what you have done, Subway, is beyond reprehensible. I’d rather eat the cardboard box that your “meats,” “veggies” and “bread” comes in than one of your chicken onion teriy—oh my god I can’t even say it.

So now’s the perfect time to swallow your pride (and, somehow, your sandwiches) and apologize for what you’ve done, Subway.