Dear Dan: I had an odd bit of awkwardness over the holidays. One of my wife’s nephews recently came out as gay, which is no problem at all for us, but it created friction in his immediate family. We were at a big extended-family dinner together, and after we sat down, I made a point of smiling warmly in his direction to let him know that my wife and I were allies. He responded with the Hot Steamy Eye-Fuck. And not just once: Every time I looked at that end of the table, I got the HSEF. Mind you, he’s a recently out-of-the-closet 19-year-old and I’m a 42-year-old straight guy who’s married to his aunt.
Maybe he was bored or perhaps trying to cause trouble. Is there a look that says, “I’m not interested,” or better yet, “Knock it the fuck off ”? We haven’t seen him since, but we will run into him again eventually and want to be supportive without encouraging bad behavior.
—Unnerving Nephew Crosses Line
Dear UNCL: The next time you want to tell a horny 19-year-old gay relative that you’re an ally, UNCL, use your words, e.g., “If you need someone in your corner, kiddo, you can count on us.” Because a warm smile from an uncle is likely to be misinterpreted as an invitation to fuck your (closeted-and-dying-for-cock) uncle or fuck with your (well-meaning-but-patronizing) uncle. Likewise, the best way to communicate “knock it off ” is by using your words, not your eyes.
Dear Dan: I’m a 33-year-old straight woman, married for 10-plus years to an awesome guy. We have a great relationship. Our sex life wasn’t always super. At first, he didn’t want much sex and had a lot of inhibitions. But I’ve worked hard at bringing him out of his shell, and he has willingly tried several toys and playful games, and the last few years have been great. The problem is his most recent revelation. He told me he’s interested in being dominated. By me. I asked him if it was mostly a visual thing or if he liked the idea of actually being dominated by a woman. He said it was both. I am so uncomfortable with this idea. He has always been somewhat passive in bed. I assumed that it’s because he was shy and embarrassed about sex (which he was), but now I think maybe it’s more than that. The problem with his passivity is that it totally kills my mood. I don’t want to crack a whip (metaphorically or literally) and tell him what to do. The thought grosses me out. How can I give him what he wants here?
—Dame Not Domme
Dear DND: By sending him to see a pro-domme, DND. You dominate him by ordering him to submit to her, she cracks the literal whip and then orders him to show his gratitude to you — and his submission to you both — by going home and vanilla’ing the shit out of you afterward.
Dear Dan: My wonderful boyfriend and I have been in a monogamish relationship for five years. We’re both GGG, and we have had a few threesomes involving women, a fantasy both of us shared. My biggest fantasy, however, is to be with two men. I’ve brought it up with my BF, but he just doesn’t find men attractive and isn’t into it. Now a former fling of mine (male) told me that he finds my BF attractive and would love to be with both of us. The two sexiest men I’ve ever known together with me would be an absolute wet dream come true! I feel like my BF is a little nervous about being with another man because (a) he has performance anxiety and/or (b) he’s not comfortable exploring his sexuality (he grew up in a small town and was teased a lot about being gay because he was in theater). If he could get past his insecurities, I feel like he might enjoy himself. Should I just give up this dream?
—Wishes He Were A Little Bi
Dear WHWALB: Your boyfriend isn’t bi, WHWALB, he’s not even hetero-flexible, and he’s made it clear that he’s turned off by the idea of a threesome with another male. Even if you could talk him into it, arranging a threesome with a dude who has expressed a sexual interest in your boyfriend would be disrespectful and potentially disastrous. Drop it.
Dan speaks with New York Times columnist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz on the true demographics of gays in the U.S.: savagelovecast.com.