Dear Dan: I’m a 29-year-old man who desires a monogamous relationship. I’m currently in an LTR with a 29-year-old woman. Despite my feelings about monogamy, I’ve sought attention from women and men on dating apps. I’ve gotten caught doing this more than once. I have never met up with anyone in real life, and my girlfriend has yet to find out about the use of gay dating apps. After some soul-searching, I realized that my bisexuality is a huge issue in our relationship. I’ve never discussed it with her, and while I don’t think she would react negatively, I’m scared of how it would affect our relationship. I’m not sure whether to go to therapy, bring it up with my girlfriend, or do some combination of the two. I’d love some advice about having this discussion in a way that won’t end my relationship. I’m not really interested in an open relationship, and I would like to stay with my girlfriend, but I’m confused because I don’t know if a monogamous relationship will still be what I want once I open up about my sexuality. It seems like a no-win situation — stay in the closet and no one knows but I keep wanting outside attention, or tell her the real reason I’ve used dating apps and probably lose the relationship.
— Bisexual Reeling About Closeted Ethical Dilemma
Dear BRACED: The use of gay dating apps isn’t the issue — it’s your use of them. And while I’m nitpicking: It’s not “outside attention” you want, BRACED, it’s cock.
Backing way the hell up: Lots of partnered people — even contentedly monogamous people — dink around on dating apps for the attention, for the ego boost, for the spank bank. Fakes and flakes annoy the people who are looking for actual dates on those apps, of course, but apps are the new pick-up bars, and partnered people were strolling into pick-up bars to harmlessly flirt with strangers before heading home to their mates, all charged up, long before apps came along. The dangers and temptations of app-facilitated flirtations are greater, of course, because unlike the person you briefly flirted with in a bar, the person you flirted with on an app can find you again — hell, they come home with you, in your pocket, and you can easily reconnect with them later.
But the real issue here isn’t apps or flirting along the harmless/dangerous spectrum, BRACED, it’s closets — specifically, the one you’re in. The closet is a miserable place to be, as you know, and the only relevant question is whether you can spend the rest of your life in there. If the answer is no — and it sure sounds like it’s no (you sound miserable) — then you’ll have to come out to your girlfriend. If you don’t think monogamy will be right for you once you’re out, then monogamy may not be right for you period. Find yourself a queer-positive therapist, come out to your GF with their help, and allow her to make an informed choice about whether she wants to be with you. Worry less about the right words, BRACED, and more about the truthful ones.
Dear Dan: A woman recently wrote to you that her husband could not maintain an erection for “more than a few thrusts.” She said that Viagra is of no use to them (the drug gave him headaches) and she was contemplating the pursuit of sexual affairs with other men who could better serve her needs (with her husband’s permission). No need for me to rehash what you told her. I want to call your attention to a better solution to their quandary: Any competent urologist can write a prescription for a preparation known as Trimix (phentolamine, papaverine, and prostaglandin, in various strengths), which must be supplied by a compounding pharmacy. Or failing that prescription, then alternatively one for a brand-name drug called Caverject. Both of these preparations are injected directly into the penis — into the corpora cavernosa, to be specific — and both effectively enable an erection of prodigious size and stiffness that will endure for as much as six hours.
— Potential Alternate Solution Sidesteps Infidelities’ Obvious Negatives
Dear PASSION: Thanks for sharing, PASSION. And to guys out there with erectile dysfunction: Ask your doctor if Caverject is right for you?
Send questions to email@example.com, follow @fakedansavage on Twitter and visitITMFA.org.