All hail Nibiru
On April 23, an exoplanet named Nibiru, which is currently hurtling toward Earth, will crash into our planet and destroy all humanity.
Christian numerologist David Meade told the Daily Express that after a deep reading of the Bible and the cosmos, it became clear that an apocalypse of Biblical proportions was heading our way.
Other news outlets reached out to NASA scientists for a comment on the plausibility that Nibiru is coming to end life as we know it. A sampling of comments from the top scientists in the fields of astronomy, physics and mathematics included, “I don’t have time for this,” “Are you being serious right now?” “I went to MIT for 56 years of rigorous study and I am this close to finding a wholly renewable energy source and you’re asking me about what?” and “Nibiru will come on the wings of an angel and deliver us from evil to our heavenly celestial resting place.”
When an intrepid journalist asked for a name to attribute to the last quote, noting that it seemed a little fishy for a NASA scientist to be so brazen about Nibiru, the voice said, “Shmavid Shmead” and hung up giggling.
Look, if Nibiru does come and destroy all humankind, at least we’re going out at the peak of our existence, right? Half the world’s coral reefs died in the last two years, a reality TV star is the most powerful man in the world, and Facebook knows everything about us. We can’t do much better than this.
Get ’em while the getting’s good
Quick! Better start hoarding your mini fire-making-machines right now: A lighter shortage is predicted to strike sometime on April 20, possibly as early as 4:20 a.m. “Tens of thousands of people” are expected to congregate in Denver throughout the day, according to USA Today, and they will all be needing lighters.
The prediction comes from the extrapolation of officials’ word that a large percentage of Denver’s Mile High 420 attendees will be coming from out of state, and we all know TSA won’t let you fly with fire. Most of the visitors will be coming from southern states who haven’t quite gotten the green memo, they say, and once they touch down on the runway, it’s straight to the dispensaries for their yearly cannabis indulgence and a Colorado-decorated lighter to boot.
Honestly, we’re just letting you in on the lighter-shortage scoop in case you need or want to be prepared. The sudden demand of products and welcoming the pilgrimage of outsiders into our state is technically a great thing, because according to the cannabis company LeafLink, retailers across the nation will sell more than $1 billion worth of marijuana products on April 20 — basically the pot industry’s version of Black Friday. So, now you know. And don’t forget to use those lighters responsibly.